Hurt

Two years ago during the week when Brian was dying, sometimes I left him briefly with our daughters while I ran to the grocery store. When I'd go through the express checkout line I couldn't look at the clerk, because I didn't want her to see how much pain was in my eyes. I didn't want her to feel concern, pity, or worst of all ask. I couldn't talk about it, because that would cause me to unravel completely.
Almost two years later I still feel that way. I can put on a "happy face" when I'm out in public, but it is an effort. Inside I feel so hurt and raw still. It is easier to be alone and not have to put the happy face mask on.
It feels like I was fused with Brian - body, heart, and soul. When he was ripped away from me I was left raw, wounded, oozing, with no protective layers. I feel incomplete, vulnerable, lost. I feel hurt in a way that is so deep I can't recover.

Once Upon a Time in Our Wildest Dreams

Once upon a time
Once when you were mine
I remember skies
Reflected in your eyes
I wonder where you are
I wonder if you
Think about me
Once upon a time
In our wildest dreams

Once the world was new
Our bodies felt the morning dew
That greets the brand new day
We couldn't tear ourselves away
I wonder if you’re there
I wonder if you still remember
Once upon a time
In our wildest dreams

And when the music plays
And when the words are
Touched with sorrow
When the music plays
I hear the sound
We had to follow
Once upon a time
Once beneath the stars
The universe was ours
Love was all we knew
And all I knew was you
I wonder if you know
I wonder if you think about it
Once upon a time
In our wildest dreams

And when the music plays
And when the words are
Touched with sorrow
When the music plays
And when the music plays
I hear the sound
We had to follow
Once upon a time

Once upon a time
Once when you were mine
I remember skies
Mirrored in your eyes
I wonder where you are
I wonder if you
Think about me
Once upon a time
In our wildest dreams
In our wildest dreams
In our wildest dreams

Dream

Last night I dreamed that I was in Bly, Oregon. Bly is a tiny town in southern Oregon where I lived for the first eight years of my life. I've only been back a few times since I was eight. In my dream my family was there and I was supposed to get married the next day. It occurred to me that I didn't even know the man I was supposed to be marrying. I wanted to talk to Brian, but didn't know how to reach him. In my dream I repeatedly tried to call Brian's mom's number to see if she knew how I could get ahold of him. I wanted to ask him, "Isn't there some way we could still be together?"