Strange longings

I miss Brian so much! I’m not getting used to him not being here. Yesterday I watched a video of military people surprising their loved ones when they didn’t expect to see them for a long time still. It was very moving and it had me in tears. I wish Brian could do that – just show up and startle me with a big hug. I would never let go of him.

The last few hours before he died I crawled into the hospital bed and cuddled with him. I don't think he was aware in a cognitive sense that I was there, but I think he was in a body memory sense. That sense that it just feels so right to cuddle with the one you've loved so long, you relax, you start to breathe in unison. It was so nice. Now I wonder why I didn't do that all 8 days after he moved out of our bed into a hospital bed.

I know Brian can't just come back to me though. I don’t think people in Heaven have any desire to come back to a screwed up earth. Hanging out with Jesus and a bunch of other people he once knew and loved, and now none of them ever act like jerks or do anything out of selfish motivation, wouldn’t motivate me to come back to earth. Of course if Brian could come back to earth, it would create so much confusion. He wouldn’t be able to unobtrusively pick up where he left off. So no, I want him back so much, but he won’t be coming back. I am totally convinced that he still loves me and is looking forward to seeing me. I won’t still be his wife since there isn’t marriage in heaven, but I do believe we will still be family and I hope that I am still his best friend! He is still my best friend, but I don’t know that I can compare to the friends he is surrounded with now!

I’ve caught myself doing some crazy thinking lately. Brian and I had felt that our family was complete at least since 1996, when our two daughters were 9 and 11. Another baby just didn’t seem like a good idea considering how hard Brian and I were both working at our jobs, and trying to balance that with meeting our daughters' needs. I do believe that was the right decision. As can most parents, I look back and see areas where I wish I’d done more for my daughters, especially times when I wish I had been there for them more in an emotional and spiritual sense.

I couldn’t be more delighted with the young women my daughters have grown up to be. They are kind and caring. They have integrity. They each know that they are unique and special and that is something to be celebrated!

So what is this strange thing going on with me during the last month or so when I find myself irrationally wishing I could have another baby? Not just any baby. I want to have another baby of Brian’s. I know it is totally selfish and impractical! It isn’t something that is even possible to do because there is no frozen sperm, but even if it was possible it would be cost prohibitive, because I couldn’t even use my own 50 year old eggs, without a high risk of problems.

It’s just that selfishly, I still want to be part of a family everyday. I want to hang onto anything of Brian that I can grab. I don’t want to be a widow in an empty house. This isn’t what I planned for age 50. I planned to be enjoying life with Brian, playing at whatever was fun and meaningful for us. We had so many hobbies. We would never have been bored.

If I can’t have Brian, I’d like to raise another one of his children. Being Brian’s wife, and Brianna and Emily’s mom has been the best thing in my life, yet I know I can’t do anything to make myself a Mom another time.

I couldn’t have imagined 5 years ago that when I reached 50, I’d be sad because I wanted another baby. If someone had told me I'd feel this way, I would have said they were crazy. I don’t know if it is grief and loss that has made me feel this way, or if this is really just a hormonal trick my body is playing on me, before I reach menopause?

Speaking of menopause, how did that work that my husband, who is younger than I am, died from prostate cancer before I reached menopause? This was not part of my life plan, although I know that though God didn’t bring this tragedy into our lives, He also was not surprised by it. I wish I could see what God’s plan from here on is, but none of us get that opportunity. I guess that is why it is called trusting in Him.

God I’m asking for something really big from you. I want you to bring something new into my life that is as wonderful and meaningful and loving as being a new mom. That is what I feel like I need. I’m waiting for you to surprise me with how you meet that need!